Why should I forgive you? You’ve done nothing but constantly try and piss me off. For someone who says they love me, you really have an odd way of showing it. I am not some punching bag that you can take your anger out on nor am I just an object you can choose to ignore when you feel like it. I have every single right to be angry at you and your fucked up excuses. Don’t give me the “oh Im sorry babe, so much shit happened last night”, can’t you come up with a better excuse?

You think that just because we aren’t in the same country, you can just toy with my emotions and feelings? Well Im sorry to say, but you’re completely in the wrong, buddy. I have no desire to play your stupid games. And if I was to play it, I would win. You cannot out run me.

You expect me to be understanding and caring and loving, but I never get any of those in return. I have done so much for you, and that isn’t to say, that I did it expecting something back, but I would like a little show of love or some sort of understanding.

I just told you the other day what I needed from you, and what did you say?… Yea, thats what I thought. Don’t say shit, if you can’t follow through, because that is just as bad as words with no actions.

You want me to visit you in your country, but yet you show no interest in how Im making the plans or how much money I am actually forking out. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want your money, and I don’t want you to feel bad because Im going there, but a show of compassion for how stressful planning a trip can be would be fucking nice.

You think I enjoy being angry with you? Well, again, you’re wrong. I don’t. I hate it. The only good thing that comes out of this, is my writing. It astounds me that you cannot see what you’re doing. I know you’re not stupid, and I know you have a brain, so maybe you need to use it and think about your actions.

You say that nothing has changed, but it clearly has, because it was never like this. You used to be so understanding, so loving and so caring, but it seems to me like you have decided to stop showing that you care. And to be honest, it fucking hurts. It hurts so much, that it’s gonna take a while for me to get over this bullshit.

You want me to always be there for you, but when do I get the time to have my needs and wants met? Once you’re completely satisfied of being immature and bratty? I do not think that is very fair. I have tried so hard to be patient and not get angry all the time, but my patience is wearing thin. I’m at my boiling point and you have pushed me over my limit.

What bothers me even more is, that you think, I’m angry cause you’re out with your friends, or because you’re drinking. You couldn’t be more farther from the truth. I have no issues with you being fucked up with your friends and doing fucked up shit that boys do when they are out. But ignoring me is really, just gonna make shit worse. What did you say to me before? I’m the best thing thats ever happened to you? Well you fucking show it really well.

This is not a threat, nor an ultimatum, but I will not hang around any longer than I need or want to. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and all you’re doing is treating me like shit. I deserve a “pink”, lovey dovey kind of love, not this disgusting murky black coloured one.

by m


Dark Gray

The patience has worn off. It has completely broken her. Just like when a strong wind snaps a huge tree trunk off the actual tree. Her patience was wearing thin. It got to the point where she hated herself for caring so much. For wanting just one little thing. But now its completely severed. As if a string has been gnawed at by some blunt scissors. She waited. But the patience has worn off.

She didn’t quite understand what the actual difficulty was in what she had said to him. She was confused as to why he did not understand. She opened up and told him everything. But it’s as if, it just went right over his head. She didn’t understand. And it hurt. Every time she tried to explain what she needed or wanted, and he just didn’t even try, it felt like someone was stabbing her in the heart with a blunt knife.

She wanted to stop feeling like this. She felt like she had to be a completely different person to accommodate his needs and wants. But it was wearing thin. She couldn’t keep up this fake act anymore. She trusted him with everything she had. She gave him his heart, and he supposedly gave her his. She was so gentle with his heart, holding it like it was fragile. Covering it with an imaginary silk cloth so it never could be bruised or damaged. But her heart, in his hand, is now nothing but tiny little particles. Without him realising, he has completely crushed it.

Something that she thought was forever has now become a something that needs to end. For her own sanity. She didn’t need to be treated like this, she wanted to be loved. Thats all. Nothing more, nothing less. She just wanted to see the little glimpse of love that she originally saw. She wondered if love that strong, could just disappear into thin air. She didn’t understand how someone can say they loved her and that they would try and fix things, go back on their word, and do exactly what was bothering her.

She didn’t want to nag him. She didn’t want to fight or argue anymore. She was tired of having to be the glue that was holding their relationship strong. She got to the point where she couldn’t be bothered. She never wanted to stoop to his level, but she had no other choice. It pained her to ignore his calls or messages, or to even try and get him out of her mind.

She knew it would take time. But this was her first love. She could not imagine a future without him.  She wanted to marry him. To have his children. To live with him for the rest of their lives. But all those hopeful wants, has just been ripped away from her so violently. She wondered how he could do this to her, but she couldn’t even be bothered to hear or know the answer anymore.

She was tired of his excuses, which were always the same thing. She tried so hard to understand and be there, and to love him unconditionally. But the funny thing is, no matter how much you love someone unconditionally, there comes a point, when you can’t even try to continue filling a void. Or to continue loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

She knew she would be in a bubble for a long time. Where she needed to heal, to fix her heart. Glue each piece back together. She needed to get out of this dark gray haze of intoxicating love. And she knew it would take a long time.

by m