Pink

Why should I forgive you? You’ve done nothing but constantly try and piss me off. For someone who says they love me, you really have an odd way of showing it. I am not some punching bag that you can take your anger out on nor am I just an object you can choose to ignore when you feel like it. I have every single right to be angry at you and your fucked up excuses. Don’t give me the “oh Im sorry babe, so much shit happened last night”, can’t you come up with a better excuse?

You think that just because we aren’t in the same country, you can just toy with my emotions and feelings? Well Im sorry to say, but you’re completely in the wrong, buddy. I have no desire to play your stupid games. And if I was to play it, I would win. You cannot out run me.

You expect me to be understanding and caring and loving, but I never get any of those in return. I have done so much for you, and that isn’t to say, that I did it expecting something back, but I would like a little show of love or some sort of understanding.

I just told you the other day what I needed from you, and what did you say?… Yea, thats what I thought. Don’t say shit, if you can’t follow through, because that is just as bad as words with no actions.

You want me to visit you in your country, but yet you show no interest in how Im making the plans or how much money I am actually forking out. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want your money, and I don’t want you to feel bad because Im going there, but a show of compassion for how stressful planning a trip can be would be fucking nice.

You think I enjoy being angry with you? Well, again, you’re wrong. I don’t. I hate it. The only good thing that comes out of this, is my writing. It astounds me that you cannot see what you’re doing. I know you’re not stupid, and I know you have a brain, so maybe you need to use it and think about your actions.

You say that nothing has changed, but it clearly has, because it was never like this. You used to be so understanding, so loving and so caring, but it seems to me like you have decided to stop showing that you care. And to be honest, it fucking hurts. It hurts so much, that it’s gonna take a while for me to get over this bullshit.

You want me to always be there for you, but when do I get the time to have my needs and wants met? Once you’re completely satisfied of being immature and bratty? I do not think that is very fair. I have tried so hard to be patient and not get angry all the time, but my patience is wearing thin. I’m at my boiling point and you have pushed me over my limit.

What bothers me even more is, that you think, I’m angry cause you’re out with your friends, or because you’re drinking. You couldn’t be more farther from the truth. I have no issues with you being fucked up with your friends and doing fucked up shit that boys do when they are out. But ignoring me is really, just gonna make shit worse. What did you say to me before? I’m the best thing thats ever happened to you? Well you fucking show it really well.

This is not a threat, nor an ultimatum, but I will not hang around any longer than I need or want to. I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and all you’re doing is treating me like shit. I deserve a “pink”, lovey dovey kind of love, not this disgusting murky black coloured one.

by m

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Dark Gray

The patience has worn off. It has completely broken her. Just like when a strong wind snaps a huge tree trunk off the actual tree. Her patience was wearing thin. It got to the point where she hated herself for caring so much. For wanting just one little thing. But now its completely severed. As if a string has been gnawed at by some blunt scissors. She waited. But the patience has worn off.

She didn’t quite understand what the actual difficulty was in what she had said to him. She was confused as to why he did not understand. She opened up and told him everything. But it’s as if, it just went right over his head. She didn’t understand. And it hurt. Every time she tried to explain what she needed or wanted, and he just didn’t even try, it felt like someone was stabbing her in the heart with a blunt knife.

She wanted to stop feeling like this. She felt like she had to be a completely different person to accommodate his needs and wants. But it was wearing thin. She couldn’t keep up this fake act anymore. She trusted him with everything she had. She gave him his heart, and he supposedly gave her his. She was so gentle with his heart, holding it like it was fragile. Covering it with an imaginary silk cloth so it never could be bruised or damaged. But her heart, in his hand, is now nothing but tiny little particles. Without him realising, he has completely crushed it.

Something that she thought was forever has now become a something that needs to end. For her own sanity. She didn’t need to be treated like this, she wanted to be loved. Thats all. Nothing more, nothing less. She just wanted to see the little glimpse of love that she originally saw. She wondered if love that strong, could just disappear into thin air. She didn’t understand how someone can say they loved her and that they would try and fix things, go back on their word, and do exactly what was bothering her.

She didn’t want to nag him. She didn’t want to fight or argue anymore. She was tired of having to be the glue that was holding their relationship strong. She got to the point where she couldn’t be bothered. She never wanted to stoop to his level, but she had no other choice. It pained her to ignore his calls or messages, or to even try and get him out of her mind.

She knew it would take time. But this was her first love. She could not imagine a future without him.  She wanted to marry him. To have his children. To live with him for the rest of their lives. But all those hopeful wants, has just been ripped away from her so violently. She wondered how he could do this to her, but she couldn’t even be bothered to hear or know the answer anymore.

She was tired of his excuses, which were always the same thing. She tried so hard to understand and be there, and to love him unconditionally. But the funny thing is, no matter how much you love someone unconditionally, there comes a point, when you can’t even try to continue filling a void. Or to continue loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

She knew she would be in a bubble for a long time. Where she needed to heal, to fix her heart. Glue each piece back together. She needed to get out of this dark gray haze of intoxicating love. And she knew it would take a long time.

by m

Black

It was hard to breathe. As if water was filling up in her lungs. It constricted her upper body, her arms scrunching up towards her face, her neck, her chest. She hoped that by holding herself with her arms, it will make the pain, dissipate. But it didn’t work. It wasn’t physically her lungs. It was her brain, her mind. And the mind is a lot harder to fix.

She couldn’t remember the last time her mind didn’t fail her. Her mind was dark and gloomy, as if a heavy fog was covering all the important, happy thoughts in her mind. She couldn’t see through this fog, she couldn’t wade through it. She needed more will power, but that will power was hard to come by, when your mind hates you.

She felt alone. No one understood what she was going through. No one could possibly empathise with her. She was always surrounded by people, family, friends, partners. But they were clueless to how she really felt. She tried to always have a smile on her face. She didn’t want people to worry about her. That was her job. To worry. She was a partner, a mother and the eldest in her family. She didn’t have time to think about how her emotions affected her. She had to push them to the back of her mind, and hope that it would disappear eventually.

The only problem with that was, that it became worse. Each day that goes by, her thoughts became darker, more sinister. Not dangerous to others, but very dangerous to herself. She was losing control. She was losing the battle. She would cry in her room everyday. Thinking about all the bad and sad things that have happened in her life. How bad she felt for her child, that he had a mother like her. She felt incompetent. She felt useless. She thought that he’d be better off without her. She loved him so dearly, but she didn’t know how much longer she could keep up the charade.

It was a hot day. She doesn’t like the heat, so she spends her time indoors. This day was a particularly hot day and her mind was swimming with thoughts and ideas. She wanted this to be the last time she felt like this.

She did what she usually does. She sat in her room, looking through old birthday cards, letters and memories. Nothing was different about her schedule. Except that this was the last time she’d do this. She poured her heart out over these memories, sat there, crying. Hurting. She looked at her child’s pictures. He was with his father for the weekend and she knew he wouldn’t be coming home. She kept reassuring herself that this was what’s best for him. It broke her heart to leave him behind, but she knew she had to. She didn’t want to bring him down into her darkness. He was such a happy, sweet little boy. He didn’t need this dark energy around him. She loved him more than anything in the world. She wrote him a letter. Telling him how much she adored him and that she hoped he would forgive her and not to worry because she would always be there with him and love him forever. She looked at the letter. Not entirely satisfied with it, but she couldn’t keep writing, her eyes were blurry with tears. She held the letter to her heart until she decided it was time. She put the letter in an envelope and wrote his name. Put it with a big teddy bear that she had gotten earlier. It wouldn’t suffice. It wouldn’t be enough, but she told herself it would. She couldn’t let her mind win today.

She walked outside her room, and looked down the corridor. She lived in a massive house. She walked into his room, and picked up all his toys and made his bed. She touched every single item of clothing in his closet. She picked out his favourite and laid them on his bed. She sprayed her perfume on them. She thought he could keep her smell with him always, knowing he always picks this set.

She walked down the corridor, looking at the hanging pictures. She wondered which picture was her last happy one. She couldn’t tell. No one could. She was so good at faking a smile, that, that has become her ‘real’ smile. Her mask. Her cover up of what she was really feeling.

She got to the kitchen. Her domain. Where they will most likely find her. She sat down, on the cold hard floor. She lifted her knees to her face and held them tight. She sat there for a while, rocking back and forth, crying. Wondering if she was doing the right thing. She tried to shake the uncertainty from her mind. She had already made up her mind. She was going to do this. It took her months to think of ways to do this. Minimum pain, and minimum mess for whoever found her. She researched and looked online and found numerous forums for people like her.

She found the perfect method. Overdose. She wasn’t going to make a mistake like some people do. She was planning on taking the whole bottle, hoping it would work quicker and less painful. She didn’t want the chance to survive. She wanted to be completely gone by the time her partner came home.

She got up. Got a glass of water. Took the water and her pills and sat back down. She opened the bottle, looked inside, and tried to figure if she could drink it all in one gulp. She took half of them out in her hand. She put it all in her mouth, took the water, and kept knocking them back. Then she did it to the other half. She didn’t feel anything at first. A few minutes passed, she started to feel drowsy. Started to get headspins. She could feel her lungs gasping for air. She thought this was it. This was how she was going to die. She hugged herself. Hoping it’ll help with minimising the pain. She lied down and curled herself into a ball. The pain was unbearable. Her life started to flash before her. She cried. She wanted to see her child’s face one more time. She wanted to see him, she wanted to hold him and hug him. She could feel herself disappearing, her mind going blank.

The last thing she thought of was how much she loved her child….and then it was black.

by m