Green

She’s never felt beautiful. She’s never felt sexy. She despised the way she looked. She was fat, too overweight, not pretty enough, didn’t have perfect teeth, didn’t have a thin face, was shit at putting make up on. All those things, a girl, supposedly had to be, she wasn’t.

She told herself, that it didn’t matter. She tried to be strong and ignore what was the norm in society. But then she looks at magazines and people on tv, and realises, that she is one really ugly person.

She was the funny one in her group of friends, because what other good trait did she have? She would make jokes about her weight, about how she looked, all while everyone laughed at her. With her. She was fine with that, she knew she was fat. She knew she wasn’t pretty. She would compliment her friends all the time, because they were, gorgeous. Not just on the outside, but just as much on the inside. They exuded confidence, they knew they were beautiful. Her friends always told her they were jealous of her confidence, if only they knew what went through her mind when she looked at them.

She was fat from the moment she was born. Yes, fat babies are cute, but fat girls are not. She’s tried countless diets, countless regimes. Some succeeded, some did not. It wasn’t the lack of her trying either. She would wake up early, to fit in her exercise, to make herself feel better, more confident. But that just made her feel like shit. She would watch what she ate, and be starving for most of the day, no matter how much vegetables she ate, she wasn’t satisfied. She didn’t wanna eat unhealthy, she actually liked healthy foods, but she hated how people were able to be thin, while eating shit. Everything she ate, made her fatter. Made her bigger. More ogre like.

She hated the way she looked. She didn’t wanna look like this anymore. She was all outta ideas. She hated when people complimented her and told her she was hot. She knew they were lying. She would rather someone hack away at her fat, while she was conscious then be lied to.

She struggled to find clothing that she liked. Or fit for that matter. She couldn’t find anything that didn’t show her stomach, her big bulging, Shrek like stomach. She couldn’t find anything that would hide her back fat. She hated wearing bras, she knew people stared at the fat overflowing from where her bra was in place. She couldn’t wear jeans, for the fear of them ripping. She couldn’t wear skirts or dresses, because she knew no one wanted to see her fat legs. She doesn’t like wearing sleeveless clothing either, because her arms, are so fat, they look like two huge fat, flat slugs.

You couldn’t see her collar bone. She didn’t like her fat neck, the fat lump at the back of her neck. She always wanted to try a short hair style, but knew everyone would be disgusted at the lump. She had big fat boobs, that, some men liked, but she felt were too big. She tries to hide them, but in turn, that makes her look fatter. She didn’t like her hands. They were short, chubby and squarish. It was disgusting. She made sure her nails were always painted in the hope that it would distract people from her behemoth hands. Her most hated part was her stomach. It was so horribly disgusting, that she could not look at herself in the mirror without a disgusted face. Even her vagina was fat. What the fuck is up with that? She had a huge fat ass, that never fit into anything. She had gross, fat thighs with cellulites everywhere. She had disgusting calves, which bulged out because of how fat they were. Even her toes were fat.

Her boyfriend tells her she’s pretty. Or hot. Or sexy. All of which are a lie. She doesn’t even know how she even lost her virginity to begin with. She is always in a constant battle of not caring and then caring so dramatically.

If she took her skin off, she would be a big, green ogre inside. Like Shrek.

by m

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